Enough of Not Enough

Have you ever heard the voice of performance speaking to you? I have. It says, "You're not tall/short enough, not slim enough, not big/small enough, not happening/ cool/ fashionable/ interesting/ sociable enough, not fit/ strong/ healthy enough, not confident/ stable/ tough/ consistent enough, not knowledgeable/ capable/ resourceful/ smart/ fast enough, not eloquent enough, not high-tech enough, not accomplished/ outstanding/ established enough, not secure enough, not rich enough, not own enough, etc." Oh and sometimes, it gets even more poignant, "You're not determined/ disciplined enough, not patient enough, etc." It's time like this that we need to remember (or be reminding each other) to choose to listen to the Voice of Truth.

Two weeks ago, when I was feeling tired and vulnerable, I'd two consecutive episodes of experience that triggered some past memories and the related emotions which I'd thought I'd fully processed through, let go of, and moved on. But no. This ruffling experience stood before me like Goliath, jeering away, "It's not over yet!" I felt depress (sad and angry) that I was not humble enough, not forgiving/ big-hearted/ mature/ surrendered enough... until I turned from this voice of performance to the Voice of Truth. I know the voice of performance is telling me a truth, but it's not telling me the whole truth.

Through the past three years, I've slowly learned to be more patient with myself; more accepting, loving, and empathetic toward myself. Yes, I've been learning to humbly accept my weaknesses and limitations with graciousness toward myself. And to stop "beating up the child in me" whenever "the critic in me" finds she's "not cooperative enough." I'm learning to help myself grow more healthily rather than more hurryingly. I'm over with self-punishment and self-hatred... more and more over time. I'm reminded again that Jesus is the personification of Grace, Truth, Love, Righteousness, and Goodness. So the Voice of Truth is the one and same voice as the Voice of Grace, of Love, of Righteousness, and of Goodness.

I'm learning not to be deceived by the voice of performance, but to listen to the Voice of Truth and believe Him — "My Savior, Redeemer, lifted me from the miry clay. Almighty, forever, I will never be the same 'cos You came near, from the everlasting, to the world we live. The Father's only Son. You lived and You died, You rose again on high. You opened the way, for the world to live again. Hallelujah, for all You've done... You hold my world in the palm of Your hand. And I am Yours, forever. Jesus, I believe in You. Jesus, I belong to You. You're the reason that I live." (Lyrics of "For all You've done" & "With all I am" by Reuben Morgan/Hillsong) But for quite a long while, the voice of performance had somehow overshadowed the Voice of Truth which had become just cliches.

It felt like being given a consolation prize after losing all the top prizes, when I tried to remind and comfort myself in times of misery with truths like, "You are accepted, valued, respected, loved, and uniquely created by God for a purpose. You are significant in Christ. You belong to God." Then one day two years ago, still in my depression, struggling big-time with all the "not enough's," I asked God for His perspective on my situation. Suddenly, He helped me see that just knowing and having Him in my life as my Savior is like having put the one and only giant rock (Jesus) into a container (I). Hundreds of stones, pebbles, and uncountable grains of sand (the many "not enough's") may yet to be poured into this container to fill it up. It may never get to have some of these stones, pebbles, and sand. But hey, what a start to have that giant Rock be first placed in there. I remember saying to God through tears and hope, "Ya, You are it. So even if I may never have all of that, with You alone in me, my Rock, it is enough."

A dear friend I've known through the Israel trip, Laura, shared with me that once after someone sang a song that went, "I know my Redeemer lives," she exclaimed, "And that's all I know on some days." Then the lady next to her said, "And that's enough." Ya, that's enough. The Rock is in the house. =)