Abiding Beneath The Cross of Jesus

Read on...

What A Birth! Wretched? Puzzling? Glorious!

(What A Life! Trilogy, Part One) Dec '07 Newsletter

No one in town knows who is the boy’s real father. But one thing is for sure: Joseph is not his biological father.

“So who is? And we all thought she was a good and decent woman — this Mary. How could she? Conceived a baby before marriage? Why — she should be stoned to death! But here is this ‘sacrificial fool’ — Joseph — to stomach this whole thing and take the boy as his own from the start. And see how they take such great care of the boy! And how proud they are of him! It’s painful sometimes just to watch. What’s the deal with this family anyway? So much love in the midst of such a mess!”

The murmurings and the eyes of scrutiny — the pain and weight Jesus and his parents have grown used to living with. The neighbors are always looking at him suspiciously. Was he born out of wedlock? There was always a question mark about him.

But the people of Nazareth did not know the truth. They looked to the earth for answers to their many questions about Jesus. And found none. Jesus just did not fit the bill in the minds, perceptions, and values of the people in town. He was different. Despite his questionable birth and background, he was firmly established in love and clarity of his identity in God and to his parents — Joseph and Mary. He was like a mystery to the people around. They were attracted to him somehow. But sometimes their pride really stood in the way. They liked and disliked him.

In fact, there were days when they found him irritating for his very existence among them was a continual challenge to their worldview and life-view. What do you do with a person like that? Looking at him just creates so much longings in your heart to believe that there is so much more to life than what you have experienced or dared to dream of. His life speaks so loud that no one around him could possibly ignore the message — which sometimes they would rather do. They would rather get very busy with their lives — the daily routine, the work, the activities, the errands, the service and ministry, the festivals, etc.

But then with this Jesus around, life just couldn’t be like the past anymore. The life of Jesus simply brings people to a point of making life-choices. Get a life. Be alive. Work out your salvation with fear and trembling of heart. Live out the abundant life.

Jesus’ birth was a mystery to the people of his time. His life was a mystery too. Sometimes uncomfortably mysterious. Life presents us with mysteries in, among, and around us. When we are confronted with the mysteries of life, it all depends on our eyes — How do we see life? Where do we look to for answers? What are we looking for? Grace and truth? Self-justification? Do we see life with eyes of grace, of faith, of hope, of brokenness, of forgiveness, of gratitude? Or do we see with eyes of pride, of bitterness, of envy, of competition, of greed, of covetousness, of self-pity, of criticism? Our answers to these questions and how we answer them make all the difference. We thank God that we now know: His birth was glorious. So was His 33 years of life.

Hence, congratulations to one and all. For God has come to us all! So we have: Hope. Peace. Joy. Faith. Love. Hallelujah! No wonder it's always a merry Christmas for everyone and that there's more than enough reasons to celebrate Christmas through the year. Yeh!

"Distressed and hungry, they will roam through the land;
when they are famished, they will become enraged and, looking upward, will curse their king and their God.
Then they will look toward the earth and see only distress and darkness and fearful gloom, and they will be thrust into utter darkness.
...The people walking in darkness have seen a great light;
on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned.
You have enlarged the nation and increased their joy;
they rejoice before you as people rejoice at the harvest,
as men rejoice when dividing the plunder.
...You have shattered the yoke that burdens them,
the bar across their shoulders, the rod of their oppressor.
Every warrior's boot used in battle and every garment rolled in blood
will be destined for burning, will be fuel for the fire.
For to us a child is born, to us a son is given,
and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
Of the increase of his government and peace there will be no end.
He will reign on David's throne and over his kingdom, establishing and upholding it with justice and righteousness from that time on and forever.
The zeal of the LORD Almighty will accomplish this.
(Isaiah 8:21-9:7) Read on...

Why Start with Death?

Tunji, my Nigerian classmate, asked my Old Testament teacher concerning the Book of Ruth in the Bible. Good question. Within the first 5 verses of the Book of Ruth, the reader would have encountered a famine and 3 deaths. The next book, 1 Samuel, by no coincidence, started with barrenness, and hopelessness too. Why? Please allow me to attempt to give a response to this question.

It is interesting to note that for the Jewish people, their each new day starts at sunset, in darkness (not at 12 midnight). Hence, their day ends 'the next day' just before sunset, in light. Starts with darkness and ends in light. How well that depicts our spiritual life! Since the day Adam and Eve sinned, and Satan became the god of this world, each baby has literally been born into a world of spiritual darkness and gloom. Hopelessness.

But the true light, Jesus, that gives light to every person came into the world (John 1:9). Thus whoever receive Jesus into their hearts and lives are born again, spiritually this time round, into the world of Jesus - the world of light and hope, the world of joy and peace, the world of faith and love. Nonetheless, it is just the beginning of knowing Jesus personally.

We may infer from Paul's words in Philippians 3:10-11 that to know Jesus deeply takes one to first share in Jesus' sufferings, becoming like Him in His death, and so somehow (miraculously and mysteriously in that process), to attain to the resurrection from the dead. We each need to go through (not around) our personal 'Garden of Gethsemane' and 'crucifixion' before we may personally experience the power of the resurrection (revival).

Nancy DeMoss wrote in Brokenness: The Heart God Revives that revival often comes through times of brokenness. Philip Vancey in his book Disappointment With God highlighted from Hebrews 5:7-10 that even Jesus, the Son of God Himself, learned obedience from what He suffered before He was exalted high-up. Philippians 2:5-11 describes Jesus in the same way too.

Larry Crabb in Shattered Dreams: God's Unexpected Pathway to Joy explained that Naomi, in the Book of Ruth, was most probably, according to their culture then, just following her deceased husband's decision in leaving Judah for Moab. She ended up suffering the huge loss of her husband and both her sons. She didn't ask for it.

In her bitterness against God, Naomi was gracious enough to release her 2 daughters-in-law to go back to their parents' homes and remarry. This implied she was willing to suffer alone. And in receiving Ruth's loving-kindness in pledging to follow her and her God till death, Naomi let Ruth have Boaz as her husband when she herself could very well be the one to marry him since he was first her kinsman-redeemer, before Ruth.

The story ended with Naomi, an old widow, laying the son of Boaz and Ruth on her own lap and caring for him - a picture of celebrating over the blessings of others with contentment. Amazing! It could have been her own son. But the boy in her hands was really not her son in any way. And she could have been more bitter than ever. But she was at peace, celebrating over him and giving care to him! What a miraculous and mysterious transformation and revival! Through pain and sufferings. What a story! A story of death and life. A story of pain and healing. A story of loving-kindness and truth.

Larry Crabb then helped us see that in life, Jesus is the groom and we are the best friend. We get to celebrate with Him over all the glory that is due Him. Hallelujah! It is well with my soul. Read on...

A still small Voice

Since about a year ago, I've been hearing this gentle yet persistent Voice saying into my ears every now and then,

"Don't live as if you are an orphan. You're not.
Don't live as if you've been abandoned or forgotten. Your dear heavenly Father is always and forever with you and watching over you.
Don't live as if you don't have a Father who loves you dearly. Your dear heavenly Father loves you enough to sacrifice His son.
Don't live as if you are all by yourself. You have the Defender, the Protector, and the Provider with you and in you.
Don't live as if God is out to make your life difficult. The Father loves you deeply and is always working out everything in love, in grace, in truth, in righteousness, and in goodness.
Don't live as if you are miserable, to be pitied. You are blessed. You are the Almighty's beloved child. That's who you are.
Your heavenly Father loves you dearly. Now live out your true identity. Live it out."

Yes I hear You.

O Jesus, I have promised to serve Thee to the end;
Be Thou forever near me, My Master and my Friend;
I shall not fear the battle if Thou art by my side,
Nor wander from the pathway if Thou wilt be my Guide.

Oh, let me feel Thee near me; The world is ever near;
I see the sights that dazzle, the tempting sounds I hear;
My foes are ever near me, around me and within;
But, Jesus, draw Thou nearer, and shield my soul from sin.

Oh, let me hear Thee speaking, in accents clear and still,
Above the storms of passion, the murmurs of self-will;
Oh, speak to reassure me, to hasten, or control;
Oh, speak, and make me listen, Thou Guardian of my soul.

O Jesus, Thou hast promised to all who follow Thee
That where Thou art in glory there shall Thy servant be;
And Jesus, I have promised to serve Thee to the end;
Oh, give me grace to follow, My Master and my Friend.

Oh, let me see Thy footmarks, and in them plant mine own;
My hope to follow duly is in Thy strength alone.
Oh, guide me, call me, draw me, uphold me to the end;
And then to rest receive me, My Savior and my Friend. Read on...

Know "By Heart"? (Newsletter Sep07)

How can a young man keep his way pure? By keeping it according to Your Word. With all my heart I have sought You; do not let me wander from Your commandments. Your Word I have treasured in my heart, that I may not sin against You. ~ Ps. 119:9-11

Why? How? What’s that? I wrestled as the all-familiar Ps. 119:9-11 struck me for the first time that the Psalmist kept God’s Word in his heart (not just “in his mind” – my understanding of the passage and thus of scripture memory all along). Slowly I saw the difference between memory and mechanical memorizing. The good Lord used a 40-year-wilderness and daily-manna-depending journey to teach the Israelites by heart: Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word of God. He used unbelievers, wicked Ninevites, a fish, a plant, a worm, and bad weather to teach Jonah the condition of his heart. And through my housing problem, He’s teaching me to wait patiently according to His timing, to trust by faith in His loving sovereignty, and to give thanks through times of inconveniences and unmet needs.

My family of seven moved into a three-room flat 29 years ago, with five siblings sharing a room (the only shift I’d in my first 23 years of life). In joining my company, I’d to move into ladies’ staff-quarters. While on short-term missions (India), staff in my home-country was encouraged to move home from staff-quarters. So upon returning from India, there’s hardly any staff-quarters and I wasn’t ready to share room with my brother anymore. During my depression days, I’d temporarily lived with my married siblings’ families. Then I rented a room. The lease was up on 7 Oct. I’d to look for a place again. In moving 12 times over 12 years, how I long for a home. Recently when I finally became eligible to apply for flats, the high prices say it’s only wise to wait. Jesus’ words comfort and challenge me: "Foxes have holes and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head."

“Life often comes at us with TNT force, leaving us emotionally tentative and spiritually bewildered. Our circumstances often don't seem fair and certainly don't appear to be normal.” Patsy Clairmont wrote. God often uses challenging situations to push us to be seeking Him for answers to urgent, personal, significant questions. Amidst the many alternatives of the world, Jesus has promised every persevering seeker to find life (Mt. 7:7-8). Larry Crabb’s writing reminded me: The Revealer has given us the Bible as His specific revelation, able to give wisdom for finding life. He believes of a legitimate approach to understanding Scripture that can provide us with a biblical understanding of every personal (non-organically caused) problem. I agree. So to be a more effective people-helper, I started taking some classes at a seminary school as a visiting student.

As I study, may I never be like the “experts” of the Scriptures, knowing Christ would be born in Bethlehem but didn’t go look for Him (Lk. 2:1-6). Instead, shepherds, three magi, Simeon, and Anna had the awesome privilege to wondrously behold their God, Baby Jesus. Sadly, those Scripture-teachers have God’s Word only in their heads, not their hearts. They were always saying the right things, but as 1 Sam. 16:7b goes, “Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” It’s tragic that they didn’t even recognize God when He was among them. No wonder Jesus said, “Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.” What do I really treasure? As I get into the Word of Life, may the Word of Life get into my heart more, that I maybe more humble and dependent on Him, living out the eternal life and blessing people. Read on...

Church: Why bother?

To dwell in love with saints above,
Why that will be glory.
To dwell below with saints I know --
Why, that's a different story. ~ Anonymous
"When the Lord God saw the extent of human wickedness, and that the trend and direction of men's lives were only towards evil, He was sorry He had made them. It broke His heart... But Noah found favor in the eyes of the Lord." (Genesis 6:5-6, 8) "We humans cause God great pain, yet God remains passionately involved with us. Should not I have something of that same attitude toward the church around me?" Quoting from Philip Yancey's Church: Why bother? "Having experienced the grace of God for ourselves, we wanted to dispense it to others, free of charge, no strings attached, as grace always comes. The church, I have learned, can indeed be a new sign radically dissimilar to the world's own manner, and contradict it in a way which is full of promise. For this reason, church is worth the bother."

"When the Milpitas High School orchestra attempts Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, the result is appalling," Philip Yancey quoting Earl Palmer, "I wouldn't be surprised if the performance made old Ludwig roll over in his grave despite his deafness. You might ask, 'Why bother?' Why inflict on those poor kids the terrible burden of trying to render what the immortal Beethoven had in mind? Not even the great Chicago Symphony Orchestra can attain that perfection. My answer is this: The Milpitas High School orchestra will give some people in that audience their only encounter with Beethoven's great Ninth Symphony. Far from perfection, it is nevertheless the only way they will hear Beethoven's message." -- a defence for the church against critics who dismissed it for its hypocrisy, its failures, its inability to measure up to the New Testament's high standards. "Although we [the church] may never achieve what the composer had in mind, there is no other way for those sounds to be heard on earth."

This is a big old ship, Bill. She creaks, she rocks, she rolls, and at times she makes you want to throw up. But she gets where she's going. Always has, always will, until the end of time. With or without you.
~ J. F. Powers, Wheat that springeth green
It is not what you are nor what you have been
that God sees with His all-merciful eyes,
but what you desire to be.
~ The Cloud of Unknowing Read on...

Normal is just a setting on your dryer

"Life often comes at us with TNT force, leaving us emotionally tentative and spiritually bewildered. Our circumstances often don't seem fair and certainly don't appear to be normal.

My quest for normalcy has brought me to the understanding that our commonality is in our abnormality. The good news is that that's ok. We are unique, which beats normal any day. In fact, we are so amazingly designed that God supervised the placement of our inner workings and registered our existence even before we were held for the first time. Then He who formed us takes His involvement a step further and uses our circumstances in our best interests. That leaves us free to embrace the fact that normal... is just a setting on your dryer." -- The last two paragraphs of Patsy Clairmont's book. Read on...

Enough of Not Enough

Have you ever heard the voice of performance speaking to you? I have. It says, "You're not tall/short enough, not slim enough, not big/small enough, not happening/ cool/ fashionable/ interesting/ sociable enough, not fit/ strong/ healthy enough, not confident/ stable/ tough/ consistent enough, not knowledgeable/ capable/ resourceful/ smart/ fast enough, not eloquent enough, not high-tech enough, not accomplished/ outstanding/ established enough, not secure enough, not rich enough, not own enough, etc." Oh and sometimes, it gets even more poignant, "You're not determined/ disciplined enough, not patient enough, etc." It's time like this that we need to remember (or be reminding each other) to choose to listen to the Voice of Truth.

Two weeks ago, when I was feeling tired and vulnerable, I'd two consecutive episodes of experience that triggered some past memories and the related emotions which I'd thought I'd fully processed through, let go of, and moved on. But no. This ruffling experience stood before me like Goliath, jeering away, "It's not over yet!" I felt depress (sad and angry) that I was not humble enough, not forgiving/ big-hearted/ mature/ surrendered enough... until I turned from this voice of performance to the Voice of Truth. I know the voice of performance is telling me a truth, but it's not telling me the whole truth.

Through the past three years, I've slowly learned to be more patient with myself; more accepting, loving, and empathetic toward myself. Yes, I've been learning to humbly accept my weaknesses and limitations with graciousness toward myself. And to stop "beating up the child in me" whenever "the critic in me" finds she's "not cooperative enough." I'm learning to help myself grow more healthily rather than more hurryingly. I'm over with self-punishment and self-hatred... more and more over time. I'm reminded again that Jesus is the personification of Grace, Truth, Love, Righteousness, and Goodness. So the Voice of Truth is the one and same voice as the Voice of Grace, of Love, of Righteousness, and of Goodness.

I'm learning not to be deceived by the voice of performance, but to listen to the Voice of Truth and believe Him — "My Savior, Redeemer, lifted me from the miry clay. Almighty, forever, I will never be the same 'cos You came near, from the everlasting, to the world we live. The Father's only Son. You lived and You died, You rose again on high. You opened the way, for the world to live again. Hallelujah, for all You've done... You hold my world in the palm of Your hand. And I am Yours, forever. Jesus, I believe in You. Jesus, I belong to You. You're the reason that I live." (Lyrics of "For all You've done" & "With all I am" by Reuben Morgan/Hillsong) But for quite a long while, the voice of performance had somehow overshadowed the Voice of Truth which had become just cliches.

It felt like being given a consolation prize after losing all the top prizes, when I tried to remind and comfort myself in times of misery with truths like, "You are accepted, valued, respected, loved, and uniquely created by God for a purpose. You are significant in Christ. You belong to God." Then one day two years ago, still in my depression, struggling big-time with all the "not enough's," I asked God for His perspective on my situation. Suddenly, He helped me see that just knowing and having Him in my life as my Savior is like having put the one and only giant rock (Jesus) into a container (I). Hundreds of stones, pebbles, and uncountable grains of sand (the many "not enough's") may yet to be poured into this container to fill it up. It may never get to have some of these stones, pebbles, and sand. But hey, what a start to have that giant Rock be first placed in there. I remember saying to God through tears and hope, "Ya, You are it. So even if I may never have all of that, with You alone in me, my Rock, it is enough."

A dear friend I've known through the Israel trip, Laura, shared with me that once after someone sang a song that went, "I know my Redeemer lives," she exclaimed, "And that's all I know on some days." Then the lady next to her said, "And that's enough." Ya, that's enough. The Rock is in the house. =) Read on...

This has to stop.

Have you experienced being hurt and hurting back the ones you only want to love? It happened to me... again. sigh...

I wonder how Jesus responded when being hurt by people He loves? I'm sure He was no doormat nor pushover.

I know... I believe it's because He was so in tune with His heart in His Father's love that He was so in love, having such a great sense of acceptance, significance, and security that when being hurt, He remained in His Father's love. Hence, He was graced with the strength from within not to hurt back. He was graced with the strength from within to acknowledge the hurt and to forgive right away. He was graced with the strength from within to lovingly speak the truth and dealt with the real issue at hand — gently but firmly. Such strength in humility.

sigh... I forget my Father's love for me so easily. Thus I react verbally too quickly... foolishly... thus.... harshly/cruelly. what a wretched person I am. I'm sorry to have hurt you... again.

Jesus, I'm so tired of all this. This has to stop.

I don't want to verbally assault those who verbally assault me. It can all be happening so subtly. And so it may be easy for people to deny. I see so many angry people being unaware of their own anger... And not being empowered to validate/face some of those deep-seated, hidden anger and to let it out in a healthy way. I have so much to learn in releasing my anger healthily too.

Jesus, I'm sorry. Help me. Save me. I want my heart to be more like Yours. I want to learn from You — You who are gentle and humble at heart, and I will find rest for my soul. Thank You. Read on...

Cries of my heart 2 (from my journal '03)

Can I be wrong? Can I be wronged?
Can I have done wrong?
Can wrong be done to me?
It's all wrong...haven't I heard myself said this?
There's too much wrong.
Too much have gone wrong.
Too much pain, brokenness, suffering, sin, pride, fight, complication, weakness, ignorance, naiveness, denial...
Too much "should not be," "ought not to be"
and the most of all--Jesus dying for men, for you and me
On our behalf...crucified in shame, accused, mocked, condemned, judged.
God died for me, on behalf of me, for the penalty of my sins.
God was wronged. Wrong was done to God.
Sin hurt God. Sin cost God--His name, His life, His all.
Man's sin and God's love killed God.
Love resurrected God.
God is bearing with it. God allows it.
God is working hard against it. God is fighting hard.
God's love...gentle and strong, tender and fierce, patient and persistent
God is in control. God reigns. Read on...

Cries of my heart 1(from my journal '03)

What happens when words don't count anymore!
When everything seems right
When everything seems to be in place
When it's all about business presentation
"Did i make it?" "Do i look good?"
"I wish you/i think I'm fine...that I'm ok
for that makes me feel good, accepted, and respected."

But I can't tell you/i the truth
for it will make you/i feel uneasy...nervous
You/i won't accept it
I didn't tell you/i the truth 'cos you/i didn't want it.
I think you/i can't live with it.
Your/my world holds together only when all is well...
or so you/i would like to think...
It seems unthinkable to people/i to acknowledge
that so much has gone wrong around us...within us...among us

But where does hope come from?
Is it based on the well-being of the people or circumstances?
I/i have been taught that hope is in Christ, from Christ, and through Christ.
I believe. For He is my hope of glory. For He is the Hope of Glory.

But what happens when words don't count anymore?
That it's all in the "art" of communication
We play the game...we learn it...we practice it...
We teach it and we model it...
Who will be the next to join the game?
Who will be the next to quit the game?

What happens...what happens when words don't count anymore?
When what may seem right but what may be wrong
is blurred and it didn't seem to matter!
We think we are right and they are wrong and so we go on.
We go round and round like the boomerang
We go through the motion day by day

Can someone shout out loud...STOP!
May be many are waiting for someone else to do it.
Do I want to join the many
Do I dare to choose otherwise--to be one of that someone--
and be kicked by the many/i for the very thing that they/I truly want...
if only they/I know what they/I truly want...

Truth...Truth...where are You?
Can You be found anymore?
I want to see You...know You.
I know I can--for You live in me.
You are with me--my King, my God, my Master, my Guide, and my Salvation.
My Father and my Jesus and my Counselor.

The world is far bigger than I/i.
And You are far far far greater than all.
You are in-control. You are all-powerful. And You are Love.
So I can face the turmoil, the unrest, the chaos
'cos You are with me...You live within me...
I'm safe...I'm secure...Just being in You...near You...with You.
I can face this day and each day...
being in You, near You, with You--
Yes You--my Hope of Glory. It's all about You. Read on...

Witness to a cat's traumatic experience

Looking at my watch, I knew I had to go so as to get home on time for The Phantom of the Opera on TV. I was reading a book then at a park last evening, smiling occasionally at kids who were jogging with their parents when something caught my attention.

An Indian man wearing a torn t-shirt and a sarong, who looked like he'd not taken a bath for quite some days and looked somewhat drunk or deranged, had stopped walking just about a car's length from me. It was not him but the cat that was leashed by him in a raffia string that told me something was wrong.

The cat was just a little bigger than a kitten. It looked so frightened and gave a meow that I still vividly remembers. It sounded like the one and only attempt it could give to call for help. It sounded so desperate and yet so weak and helpless. It shrivelled and refused to move even though the man was tugging the string.

Meanwhile the people in the park continued to jog by. Only two boys stopped for a moment. They too knew that something was wrong. But not knowing what to do, they went on jogging after a while. I was tempted to "get on with my life" too. After all, I've got a great tv program to catch.

I started rationalizing to "I", "Maybe this man lives nearby. Even if this man is homeless, he may just want to keep a cat for companionship. C'mon, just move on, get along. Don't make a mountain out of a molehill. It's just a cat. Give this man benefit of doubt. Maybe he just don't have money to buy a proper leash and don't know enough to do it right."

But I have begun to trust my heart since some years back. I have begun to work on guarding my heart above all else, to protect it from being hardened. And I know that every decision I make makes a difference to the condition of my heart and my becoming.

Looking embarrassed, the man quickly scooped up the cat with one hand and walked on. The cat looked overcome. I felt sad. But somehow he was uncomfortable holding the cat, so he let it down and started to tug at the cat again. I told myself, "I must do something about it. I can't walk away from this, bluffing myself that nothing's happening. A life is involved." But I didn't know what to do. I was afraid too.

I deliberated, "If I call the police, he'd be gone before they arrive. It's Sunday, what animal welfare society can I call for help? If I confront him, he'd just say some lies and try to get away with it. If I become more assertive, he may get aggressive with me. He doesn't look stable and I'm worried for my own safety." Meanwhile people continued to stroll and jog by. No one had even slowed down to take notice.

I called my friend for help. Her family keeps lots of animals. They'd know. She told that no one should leash a cat with a string and I just had to confront the man even should it get ugly. Just then I saw a man walking, with his two dogs, toward me. I quickly hang up the phone and asked him for help, thinking, "He's an animal-lover. He'll have a heart for the cat. He'll help." But I was wrong.

Trying to walk off, he gave me a lame excuse that he couldn't speak Malay. What Malay! He's an Indian, you chicken! I insisted and so he lamely spoke a one-liner to the Indian man in half English and half Malay, in which I couldn't understand, to which the Indian man said in English, "You dog-lover. I cat-lover." The man smiled and walked off with his dogs! Did they know what they were saying to each other?! I believed they were both glad that they "let each other off."

Anyway I went on to tell the Indian man, "You can't tie the cat with a string. It's painful for the cat. It's wrong. You can't do that." So he replied me, "Ok. No tie. I carry." And he once again scooped up the cat with his hand and walked off quickly, still holding the raffia string that's leashed to the cat's neck. I felt like I was watching a criminal running away. "O God, help! What am I to do?"

He definitely had a problem holding the cat, for he let it down soon after and started to tug at the cat again. So I ran up to him, still not knowing what next to do when a woman, about 50 years old, showed up out of the blue. She authoritatively shouted at him, "Hey, you stop! Cannot! No! You cannot tie the cat like that!"

Just then another man, with his family, walked by and shouted, "Ya, cannot, you will kill the cat!" And they walked off! Oh... sometimes when you need a man's help... sigh... I remember once sharing with friends, "There's a book for men entitled Tender Warrior: God's intention for a man. Sometimes I find that men are neither tender nor warriors. Sigh. When are they going to rise up as tender warriors?"

Anyway, with this woman showing up, suddenly the cat gained strength from hope and started to struggle with the man in trying to get out of the string-leash, hence causing more pain to itself. The woman quickly carried the cat into her embrace and removed the string from around its neck as she said to the Indian man, "You cannot do that. The cat will die! The police will catch you!" I started thanking her for coming to the rescue.

The man tried to intimidate her by bringing his face really near to hers and said, "I live nearby here." Then he started to untie his sarong, as she replied confidently, "If you want to keep the cat, you bring a box to carry the cat the next time. Not a string." He tied back his sarong and walked off in opposite direction as she walked away with the cat. Soon both of them were out of my sight.

I was 30 minutes late for my tv program but I was so glad with my decision. I have learnt much through this episode from each character in the story. But more than that, I saw a glimpse of the horror of abuse, intimidation and fear; the need to protect my heart, to surrender and to fight; the value of life and freedom; and the power of hope and love. Makes me think of the 3 shows that I just watched: The Shawshank Redemption, What a Girl Wants, and Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas.
Read on...

My times are in His hands (Newsletter Aug06)

Read on...

What do flowers, dogs & babies have in common?

Beautiful! They are so beautiful. Beauty in purity and simplicity. Not just dogs, but many other pets as well. (I like to watch dolphins, horses, and bears too.) Not just flowers, but also the mountains, the waters, the meadows, the trees, the rocks, the skies, etc. I enjoy looking at them (for babies - especially when they're asleep). I have so much pleasure just gazing at them.

They tell me that beauty is meant to be a pure gift of life. Just looking at them makes me smile, makes me relax and feel calm. They remind me of the simple joy of life. They tell me that there is yet hope, and that there are still some good worth living and fighting for. They testify that brokenness and pain is not all there is to life. Their beauty typifies vulnerability and tenderness. They bring healing to my heart. I'll always remember the magical moments I had in gazing on the face of my 3-month old niece while she was sleeping, when I first returned from India. Such pure gift from Heaven. Read on...

Jealous of her?

It's easy to be jealous of her. She seems to have everything going for her. She's intelligent, pretty, petite, rich, and has a personality that's so likable. But much more than that, she's sooooo well-loved by all of us, especially her parents. She's my niece.

As I had lived with my brother's family for about 2 years since my return from India, I had the privilege of watching her grow from a 2-month old baby. The photo was taken when she was about 2½ years old. I enjoyed spending time with her, be it singing, dancing, running, playing, watching Barney/ Hi-5/ Nickelodeon together, or reading storybooks/ rhymes to her, or taking her for walks and having fun teaching her to observe the flowers and plants along the way. Oh how I miss all that!

But watching the way my brother loves her has been something else altogether to me. Suddenly, she looks like a princess. She'd be making lots of small requests from him, eg. "Papa, can I have Coke?" "Papa, carry me like I'm an aeroplane." At times when she runs out of things to ask, she would start to rattle "Papa this" and "Papa that." To her, he's like the king and that makes her the princess – that she's well-aware of. It's endearing to watch how she relishes in his love. And no matter how tired he is, she always melts his heart so easily. He simply adores her.

It's in such moments that I would begin to be deeply jealous of her. How good to be loved this way! I want to be loved so unconditionally too! Hence, slowly, watching him loving her began to be a bitter sweet thing. I started telling God this struggle that I have and the emotions that came along with it. About a month ago, when I was telling God again how I envy her, then suddenly, almost like an audible voice, I heard God tell me, "This is how I love you." I was stunned for a moment before tears started rolling down from my eyes.

Thank You, Father, for this beautiful picture of You loving me. Thank You... Read on...

Friends of the Night

The following are some words that have anchored my heart in hope when I was overwhelmed in darkness. They have become my friends of the night.

The true test of character is not how much we know how to do, but how we behave when we don't know what to do. ~ John Holt

We are prisoners of hope. ~ George MacDonald.

Live one day at a time. ~ not sure of the source.

It is not the cares of today, but the cares of tomorrow, that weigh a man down. ~ George MacDonald.

Never doubt in the darkness what God has shown you in the light. ~ Dr V Raymond Edman

Even should you be suffering for the rest of your life, it's not forever. Heaven is forever. ~ Jessie Suciati - my friend.

"But you, Israel [the new identity], My servant,
Jacob [the old identity] whom I have chosen,
Descendant of Abraham My friend,
You whom I have taken from the ends of the earth,
And called from its remotest parts
And said to you, 'You are My servant,
I have chosen you and not rejected you.
'Do not fear, for I am with you;
Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God
I will strengthen you, surely I will help you,
Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.'" ~ Isaiah 41:8-10

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures [rest],
He leads me beside quiet waters [peace], He restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow [pursue] me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever. ~ Psalms 23
[Somehow in walking through the valley of the shadow of death,
the psalmist has started referring to God as "You" and not "He."]
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Shortest route: Not always the Best route

"The people of Israel was accomplished at the exodus. Their identity was defined at Mount Sinai. Their preservation was guaranteed through the 40 years of wandering in the wilderness. They were a redeemed people (through the exodus), a commanded people (at Mt. Sinai), a blessed people (through the 40 years)." Ravi Zechariah quoted Eugene Peterson. I heard this during the early days of my depression a few years ago. How thankful I am to have heard this strangely good news.


Ravi said that the 40 years' journey was about 150 miles which by right would take them 2 months maximum. The longer route was meant to humble them and teach them that "man shall not live by bread alone but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of the Lord."

I confess I used to totally believe in going by the shortest route in the shortest time possible, though intellectually I would agree it is not always true. The obvious reason being that there's a lack of resources. A value that had been ingrained within me. How can one who does not know or forgets easily that there's a sovereign, all-powerful, all-loving God, live any differently from that value? The natural instinct in facing a lack is to fear and hence strive for self-preservation.

I have repented... somewhat but still have a long way to go. I still panic sometimes, fearing of being left behind, as the world continues to scare me with lies, "No time! Hurry up! Don't stop! Quick! Go for the next thing! It's all about productivity and efficiency! Time waits for no man! Else you'd be replaced! Else there'll be no future for you!" Read more!

O how I need to be reminded more: The shortest route is not always the best route.

I've begun to know this truth personally through my wilderness journey in and out of depression. But it's still challenging. In preparing to go on a Israel tour, I borrowed books from a friend. I'm amazed to find in Facts about Israel, "They wandered for 40 years in the Sinai desert, where they were forged into a nation... The exodus... left an indelible imprint on the national memory of the Jewish people and became a universal symbol of liberty and freedom." Wow just like Ravi's quote from Eugene Peterson. Last picture: an oasis in Sinai desert.

My fleshly instinct says, "Give me a light that I may walk safely into the unknown."
But Truth says, "Put your hand in the hand of God and it shall be to you better than the light and safer than the known." May my heart find rest in this. Read on...

Behold A Real Baby (Newsletter Dec06)

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An ex-"spiritual"-workaholic's heart-trembling experience (Newsletter Dec05)

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We all have messed up

I just read from Josh McDowell's Children Demand A Verdict this: "Jesus said that His goal is to save people who know they need His help. No matter who we are or what we have done... He knows that we all need His care and forgiveness, none of us have it coming. The truth is we all have messed up – but God still loves us all just the same."

How assuring. How liberating. How true.
How I need Him to be my Saviour everyday.
How good to know in my heart more each day that He forgives me.
A picture of grace that melts my heart is a scene found near the end of the movie Catch me if you can. Read more!

The movie is about an FBI agent, Carl Hanratty (Tom Hanks), tracking down and finally catching a young con artist, Frank Abagnale (Leonardo DiCaprio), who successfully impersonated an airline pilot, doctor, assistant attorney general and history professor, cashing more than $2.5 million in fraudulent checks in 26 countries.

Over time, Carl formed a bond with Frank which led to a father/son relationship, and developed a desire to protect and rehabilitate the damaged youth who bamboozled him for years, with an inherent kindness and understanding toward Frank. When Carl finally found Frank in France, he told him that the French police would kill Frank if he were not go with Carl quietly.

As the con artist faced the FBI agent, Frank struggled whether Carl was tricking him into being caught. But Carl promised him he would never lie to him, and Frank finally chose to trust Carl and to face the consequences of his actions. Then Carl took him outside, where the French police escorted him to prison. Later on, though Frank got to enjoy his semi-freedom and professional job with the FBI while serving his time, he missed the thrill of the chase and hence attempted to fly as an airline pilot again.

Then came this scene that brings tears to my eyes every time I meditate on this grace that involves such a huge gamble of trust. Frank was cornered by Carl, who chose to risk in trusting Frank to return at the end of the weekend, by not arranging for any other police to be there to capture him, by choosing not to capture him nor stop him on the spot, but seeing and choosing to love the child in him.

What grace!
Thank You, Father, for giving me a glimpse of Your grace toward me. Read on...